Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Times They Are A'Changin'

I haven't written much and I really think I need to.  It seems to be a really healthy outlet for me and I gets lots of much needed support and really good advice.  But finding the time, finding the time. 

The all girl household has become quite challenging.  We are all entering new phases of our lives, and tolerating each other has been difficult to say the least.  The new job is great and scary at the same time.  I finally don't feel like I'm going to be fired every single day. 

E was diagnosed with ADHD last year.  We decided to hold off on meds, to try some therapy and behavior modifications first.  My mother, who does not believe that ADHD is a real diagnosis, only said, Do Not Put Her On Drugs! (thanks for the support Mom.  Of course, she believes that just about any behavior problem can be beaten out of a child).  So we tried no meds.  And then I had a child who was frustrated and crying constantly because her grades were spiraling downward.  She would pull up one grade, then others would fall, and on and on.  So, enough.  It took 4 months to get into the doctor for the initial visit, by which point E was a complete mess.  So first we have to get her anxiety under control.  And toss all of this on top of the middle school hormonal hell she's already in.  And to top it off?  During the exam the doctor looks at me and says,"what took you so long to get her help?"  Which is nice, cause I don't feel bad enough already.

But, if that isn't enough, E got into a fight with her best friend. I really don't know much about the fight other than that she told her friend she was sad and needed to talk and her friend said something about not wanting to talk to her about anything sad.  Which E took to mean that her friend didn't care.  And stupid fight ensued.

So, I come home from work to this mess, with E saying she didn't want to be friends with her anymore, that she had said some unforgivable things (which she won't tell me) and that she has written her friend a letter saying so.  I ask her if she will let me see the letter and she reads it to me.  And it's over the top, full of emotional comments like how her friend ruined her life, she's just like everyone else, cutting her down, and btw, she doesn't like what's his name anymore because she realized she isn't good enough for him. 

I tell her that I don't think it's a good idea for her to give her friend the letter, that she will regret it.  But I don't expressly forbid her to, because I want her to make the decision.  Well, apparently she then writes an additional letter, and GIVES THEM BOTH TO HER!

My first knowledge of this is when I come out of a meeting and my cubicle neighbors say, boy, your phones were blowing up while you were gone.  I look at my cell.  5 missed calls and one message.  I have a message on my work phone.  And it starts ringing.  It's E, crying hysterically.  I calm her down, tell her I'm about to leave anyway.  Then I listen to my voicemail on my cell.  It's the friend's mom.  Now, this woman doesn't like me, and I don't like her, for reasons that would fill another post.  But she leaves this message saying that they apparently were having a fight, that E had written two letters that were deeply disturbing and she thinks for right now E shouldn't call or text her daughter.  Which I completely and totally agree with.

So I call E and tell her this and tell her we will talk when I get home.  Meanwhile she is chatting with  another friend on Skype when the girl jumps into the chat.  So E says, I have to go.  And the girl says, please don't be mad at me, etc. and E says, your mom called and asked me not to call or text you and my mom wants me to not talk to you for awhile, so I have to go. 

That's when I got home.  And we had to leave right away for the doctor.  After the doctor, I drop E off at Youth Group, come home and I have a message.  This time it's from the friend's dad, who is a pediatrician.  So we'll call him Dr Dad.  Well, Dr Dad leaves this message asking me to call him regarding these deeply disturbing letters.  So I do.  And he says, well, I'm just really concerned about her and want to make sure she is in some sort of treatment.  Now, I know my daughter.  Those letters were mostly manipulative.  She was trying to elicit a sympathetic response.  And yes, she was devastated.  But this is not the response he is looking for.  So I tell him she has just started some ADHD meds and they are messing with her emotions (which I WAS told could be a side effect).  I also tell him I think time apart might be a good thing for them.  And he agrees.

I talk to Emma about it, she dissolves into hysterics because now her friend's parents hate her (dramatic much?).  Finally get her calmed down and into bed about 11. 

Then I picked up Jenny McCarthy's new book and laughed for about an hour.  God I needed it.


Lee said...

So good to see you post again, Marie. Sounds as though you have a real problem on your hands. I've had a daughter, and later my grandson that both experienced ADHD. I hope you don't mind some advice from me. First of all, that pediatrician has most likely had considerable experience with ADHD. He probably sees it about every day. Don't knock him (unless you have another one). Ask him about a Rx called Vyvanse - I'm sure he is aware of it. He'll have to determine the dosage as well as write the Rx. It works. It wasn't available for my daughter (time constraint), but it was for my grandson. My grandson finally "weaned" himself off in his later high school years. I don't know if he outgrew the need, or just finally learned to live with and control the ADHD himself. But, he is now in his fourth semester of college, and is doing very well. But, I do suggest you have faith in your pediatrician - and the school teacher. Hope that helps, Marie, cause it sounds like you're in for big trouble if something doesn't help.

Louanne Tosch said...

Hi Marie, I use to follow your blog and loved reading all your adventures with your girls. My son has ADHD, was diagnosed when he was 27...he was in professional sports at the time so had to jump thru hoops, took six months for a diagnosis. Gosh I wish I had known about this when he was young, however, he managed very well, had great teachers and coaches who worked thru his energy and anxieties. Long story short, it is hereditary, I was diagnoses last year (I'm the mom!) Went on the medication after reading extensively about all the different medications and read a great book, Driven to Distraction. I'm on Adderal a very low dosage, it has helped me so much, in so many areas of my life. The anxiety I use to experience is gone. I can focus too, and I love that. My son, tried several and his decision was to not take any, however, he does suffer from anxiety which he at least knows..when you know somehow you can work thru it. If you can, read the book Driven to Distraction, it really explains ADD and ADHD in layman terms, and it is written by two doctors who are ADHD. An aside, when raising my son, I kept him on a schedule, and realized very early he saw things in black and white and liked to know what was going on in his world...the book further explains this. Good Luck, keep a sense of humor and try not to get pulled into the drama!